We attract more of what we are ✨

Photo by Alexander Shustov on Unsplash

It’s something we’re told by coaches all damn day long.

They use it as the one size fits all explanation for how everything is… all the things we have in our lives.

You’re broke? “It’s because you’re focusing on being broke”
You’re unhealthy? “It’s because you’re lazy”
You’re in a shitty relationship? “It’s because you’re attracting that!”

I mean… really?

This idea that “we attract more of what we are” can only go so far before we call it bullshit… right?

You’re going to tell an abused woman that she was abused because she attracted that in?!

It doesn’t matter if it’s emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, spiritually or otherwise.


No, she didn’t.

Are you going to tell someone who’s single it’s because she’s too headstrong, opinionated, too loud, too much, expects too much, and she should quiet down and demand less from life?

Probably… that’s what we’re always told.

“Why would I come to relationship advice from someone who’s single?”
Probably the same reason you come to me to complain about the way he’s treating you.

Because you know I wouldn’t stand for it.

“You wouldn’t get it, you’re not in a relationship”
No, because I won’t tolerate that bullshit for fear of being alone.

“But you don’t even give men the time of day, so what would you know?”
Because I’ve seen what’s currently available and I don’t want any of it.

Here’s what I know.

I’m working on me.

Do you know what that means?

It means I spend half my time pushing through to get shit done, and the rest of the time breaking myself wide open in a bid to remove myself from the conditioning of what/how/who I’ve been told I need to be to get by “in this world”

I’m “weak” because I go to counselling?

Show me how weak you need to be to sit in a room with a total stranger who watches you intently, while you spill out all the thoughts and feelings you usually keep hidden and locked away. Listening to the words you say, the way you say them. Analysing your body language, pressing your further when they notice a shift when you show signs of pain and discomfort in order to “work on that more”

No. The Weak are the ones who know there’s an issue but refuse to do anything to help themselves for fear it will hurt them more.

But here’s a thing about the “love and light” brigade… the ones who tell you you’re wrong, you’re too loud, you’re too opinionated, too much.
The ones who tell you you need to lessen yourself, be softer, speak calmer, smooth your edges, and settle for less.

When they say “you attract what you are”… they might be right.

When you’re trying to be less than you normally are… you’ll attract less.

When you start breaking apart the pieces of who you are, to soften the edges, tame your words, quiet your voice, lower your expectations…

You’re tearing yourself apart, and you’re no longer whole… that’s when you attract the wrong ones.

You attract the wolf in sheep’s clothing, the monsters in the night. Sharks are attracted by the scent of blood… when we’re broken open, we’re bleeding. They know that.

The ones who see that you’re not at your best, come running, and they use it.

They break their way in through those little cracks. They hold a tiny bandaid on those wounds. They show you what you want to see… the love, the attention, the validation that you’ve done the right thing, and now you get to reap the reward of this person who can love you in this way.

They see the world through your eyes, they show you a vision of what you want, and how you get it at the level where you’re at.

You have attracted exactly what you are.

Less than.
A fake.

But here’s the kicker… we’re led to believe that in order for them to love us more, to treat us more of how we want, to be kinder, give us that support… we need to keep showing up as more of what we’re learning to be.
We need to be quieter, less demanding, more loving, more forgiving, more submissive, more tolerant.

Why? Because these people weren’t attracted to “all of us” or our fullest potential.

They were attracted to our fear, our doubt, our external limitations and a need for validation.

They worked their way in through the cracks of our own creation, and they held on for dear life.

They held you open, and broken, never allowing you to heal, or to feel whole.

They won’t.
They can’t.

For if they do, they lose.

So they shut you down, quiet your voice. Tell you that you’re being too much, too loud, too demanding, too needy.
They tell you (and all those around you) that you’re ungrateful, insane, demanding.

They make you the crazy one.
They make you the one at fault.

But you, my dear friend, you attracted this.
You allowed this.
You welcomed this into your life.

The wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The abuse disguised as love.
The manipulation.


Because you feared yourself.

You were too afraid to be all of you in case you didn’t get the love, attention, relationship and family that you longed for and craved.

You became less than, quiet, subdued. A meek, pathetic little version of all of who you could be.

And you accepted what you earned by being all of those things, even though you didn’t want it.

And no, the fullest, most grown, most real version of you doesn’t deserve any of that.
And no, she wouldn’t accept any of that.
Not in a heartbeat.


Because she has high standards and a low tolerance for that bullshit.
Because you know yourself better than that, and you know who you are, and what you deserve.

And it’s no sly wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It’s not a manipulative, vindictive asshole whose sole enjoyment is tearing you down to be even less than you’re already being.

It’s no man-child with an ego problem, who only feels good better himself when others are pandering to his every whim, trying to appease him and be liked by him because he’s too fucking weak to go and actually be the person he claims he is!

Listen, babe, if you were being all of you, he wouldn’t even come close.
He wouldn’t dare, because he knows in his heart, his head and his pants, that no amount of trying will get through to you.
He knows he can’t measure up to what you want or need in a man, not just what you’ve convinced yourself you’ll settle for.

SO maybe the “love and light brigade” are right… maybe we do attract more of what we are. They’re just selling it wrong, and seem to forget that not everyone is born to be a delicate little flower. Some of us are the roses and the thorns.

Photo by Daniel Apodaca on Unsplash




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Debbie Bradley

Debbie Bradley

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