Last night I had the idea that I need a new personality

Not “new” exactly, I’m not creating anything from nothing here, more that I should unleash more of the other side of me, but the truth is it’s exhausting.

It’s exhausting for those around me, and it’s exhausting for me too…

Not because I find myself draining… far from it.
It’s exhausting having to defend myself and who I am.

People find me exhausting because I’m intense.
Or I can be.
I can get in peoples faces and be loud about things I feel strongly about.
I put my foot down with a firm hand and don’t like shit to not go my way, or people not see things the way I do.
I’m like a dog with a chew toy that won’t let go with some things.

I have things I want and expect, not just for me, but for those around me.
Those I love can barely hold their own against me because if I feel for one moment that you’re second-guessing yourself and playing yourself down, I will let you know it.

If that guy is playing you for a fool, and you’re letting him, then I’m sure as shit going to tell you.
I’m not doing it to be mean, I’m doing it to have your back when you won’t have your own.
You deserve better, and I expect better for you.

I haven’t always been the best at doing this for myself.

I’ve been a comatose bitch.

I’ve sat back, sat quietly, played small, been nice… palatable.
I’ve not rocked the boat or caused a scene.
I haven’t spoken up, never mind out, and I’ve done it all in some dumb fucking belief that it’s good for me, and good for you too.

I am intense.
I am loud.

But not in the way some might think.

I’m not intentionally in your face, wanting to be the life and soul of the party.
I don’t want or need all eyes on me.
I’m not the one up in everyone’s everything wanting it to be all about me, and crying if I don’t get the attention… that’s not who I am.
I’m not the one demanding to be seen, heard, loved, liked, adored and all that shit.
I don’t want everyone to like me and clamour around telling me how great I am.
I’m not intentionally problematic, saying controversial shit just to get a reaction from people.
That’s not me.
That’s the other ones.
They’re insecurities playing out loud — “he who shouts loudest is the most insecure”

I’m the one who allows insecurities to keep her quiet, however, when I’m secure in my knowledge or belief around something, you bet your ass you’re gonna know about it.

I’ve developed a palatable version of me.

The one who jokes about needing coffee to function, and buys into the “poor me” story — look at me, I’m a single mum, been single for years, it’s hard, I don’t know what to do, or how to live my life more easily and be successful… I can’t find a man, I’m broke all the time, the kids want all the damn things and my attention all the time, and it’s hard, OK? It’s hard for me… to be me.

But everyone around me sees that version, they buy it, believe it, and are OK with it.

They believe that it’s hard for me to be a single mum (it’s not)
They believe that I can’t find a man (I’m not looking)
They believe I’m stuck with my lot, and it will be hard for me until the kids grow and leave the house (It doesn’t have to be)
They believe I need to rely on gov’t assistance and handouts (I don’t)
They believe I’m miserable and down on my luck (not really)

Don’t you see, it’s all a choice?

This life, this facade, is something I’ve built knowing it’s how people want to see me? How people expect me to live.
I just reflect back all that I’ve been told I should be over the years…

“It’s hard for you…”
“you can’t do that…”
“I don’t know how…”

It’s all just a bullshit show for those around me!

“You don’t have…”
“You can’t know…”

How many more things do I need to buy into?
How many more lies about myself do I need to perpetuate?

Jeez, I thought I was over that the last time I fucked a guy because someone had already accused me of doing it, so I was curious what I was missing… hell if I’m told I’m doing it, I may as well, right?

WRONG!

Turns out, living life this way, the way people expect of me, just like sleeping with that guy, wasn’t worth it… it’s not what it’s cracked up to be, and I don’t get anything worthwhile out of it.

I’m not saying I regret it. I tried it, realised it wasn’t right for me and decided I’m not buying into it anymore.

I stand by my decisions to some extent, because I made them, no one forced me to do anything (even when my next move has been pushed a little). I lived through them, tried it out, it’s not for me, so I’m calling it a day. It’s time to try a new approach.

I am who I am, and I’m done with filtering that out to be more palatable to those around me.

Mostly because they all want a little less of me in different ways, and the more I trim and cut off to be more agreeable to everyone else’s wants, there’s less of me left.

Last night I had the idea that I need a new personality… what I really need is to stop being a chicken shit that tears me apart and shuts myself down to help everyone around me feel better about their lack of self.

Originally published at https://debbiebradley.co.uk on June 21, 2021.