Anger hides pain
Think about the times when you’re angry.
Think about what happens in the moments before anger takes over.
Think about what that triggers for you.
When someone cuts you up on the motorway, and you call them an asshole, you’re not angry because they cut you up. You’re angry because they are driving dangerously and could have potentially caused you harm.
When you lose your mind because your kids still haven’t done their homework or their chores, you’re not angry at them for failing themselves. You’re angry because they didn’t do what was expected of them in a way that is expected by you.
When your spouse/family member doesn’t respect your wishes, or time, or opinion, or belongings, or whatever, and you end up in an argument “because they pissed you off” and you start lashing out calling them all the names under the sun because “you’re angry” you’re not angry… you’re hurt. You’re hurt because they haven’t respected your wishes, your opinions, or your thoughts or feelings on the matter.
Most of the time, when we’re “angry”, we’re really just hurt.
Most people don’t know it, and most of them will never try to understand it, never mind work to make it better.
We lose our shit when people try our patience.
We lose our shit when people do things out of accordance with how we want things to be.
We lose our shit, and turn to anger because we’re hurt!
It may seem ridiculous, pathetic, small, insignificant, or whatever, but I can pretty much guarantee it’s not.
When we get to that point, it’s usually because whatever has happened has pushed us over the edge.
We’ve been lied to too many times.
We’ve been ignored too many times.
We’ve been let down too many times.
We’ve been hurt too many times.
And usually, the response is “well, I didn’t think you’d mind” and it seems ridiculous to us. Why wouldn’t we mind? Why wouldn’t it matter to us that our own wants, needs, thoughts, or opinions weren’t taken into consideration??
Why wouldn’t it matter to us that we have a way in which we want to live our lives, yet someone else with a differing idea of how things are/should be just comes along and tramples all over it, shitting on and demanding, or worse, just expecting, that we’ll go along with their way because that’s how they see things without even thinking about or taking into account the way that we want things?
People are inherently selfish.
I’ve been called selfish more times than I can count for as long as I remember… why? Because I have a vision in mind for how I want to live my life, and what I expect from those around me in order to live that life. (They’re called expectations and boundaries, but hey, who cares?)
I was called selfish as a teenager for wanting to move away and go to University.
For planning a life, career, and living arrangements that didn’t involve anyone other than me (I was 18 and single… why would I plan for a life with a husband and children? I didn’t even know me yet, never mind who I was going to marry, and kids were a definite no)
I’ve been called selfish for not dropping everything I’m doing to answer a phone call or go running at someone else’s command.
I’m selfish for wanting to raise my children on my own (away from their dad who refuses to get his shit together) and expect them to clean up their own mess.
I was selfish for choosing to quit college, then again for going back to college instead of getting another job all because of how my choices impacted other people financially (never by much, but my god you would think it cost them millions)
I ANGER people all damn day long because I know which buttons to press, and the majority of the time, it’s rarely because I mean to. I just know how to tap into that sensitive part and point it out.
I can look at a situation and say “Really? You don’t get why they’d be pissed off with you for that? Because if I were them, I would be too” just the same as I can look at a situation and say “yeah, I get why that annoys you, but really… what’s going on underneath it?”
I AM that bitch.
I am angry at a lot of things, because being hurt, and keeping it to myself, got me nowhere and changed nothing.
I do snap at people and refuse to apologise, because if you are someone who presses me so hard that my only option left is come down on you like a ton of bricks after I have gone through every other trick in my ridiculously large book, then yeah, a big part of me still cares.
If I go silent on your ass, I’m done. You’re already pretty much dead to me. I’m sorry, there’s nothing else for you here, and now it’s time to move on.
Anger is the emotion that can move mountains, blaze trails, burn everything down, creates movements and build empires.
Anger is pain overflowing into something more powerful.
Think about it.
Originally published at https://debbiebradley.co.uk on June 30, 2021.